Gracefully grayson, p.9
Gracefully Grayson, page 9
Brett watches us, confused, and I think again of how I’ll look to everyone else, onstage, in a dress, and I understand, suddenly, that this question is out there, this question of what it all means. I think of what Mom wrote—All I want is for him to be true to himself—and in this exact moment I wish for her harder than ever before. I need her to tell me who I am. I need her to say it, because I know what Jack thinks, and I know it’s not that.
“What does—” Brett starts, but Jack interrupts him.
“Well, what am I supposed to say to everybody?” He glares at me.
“I don’t know,” I mumble. Anyway, I don’t know. “I’m sorry,” I say.
“Well, obviously you’re not sorry enough. If you were really sorry, you wouldn’t do it. You’re a total embarrassment.”
“That’s enough, Jack,” Aunt Sally says quietly.
“Whatever,” he spits. He gets up from the table and storms out of the dining room. I hear his bedroom door slam.
Brett looks back and forth between me and Aunt Sally. “I don’t get it,” he says. “Why can’t Grayson be Persephone?” Aunt Sally looks out the window as Brett continues, “It’s just a play.”
Even though I want to, there’s no way I can explain that it’s so much more than that. Brett’s words just hang there, half-true, in the air.
That night, I lie awake in my bed in the dark. The house is still except for muffled voices coming from Aunt Sally and Uncle Evan’s room. I look at my clock; it’s almost eleven o’clock. I creep quietly through the hall and sit on the cold, wooden floor across from their closed door. They’re arguing.
“Just tell me everything he said, Sally, for Christ’s sake, without interjecting your opinion every second!” Uncle Evan is saying.
“Would you lower your voice? You’re going to wake everyone up!” Aunt Sally replies in a loud whisper. “I just told him he had overstepped his bounds as a teacher, that’s all. I told him that Grayson still wanted the role, but that no teacher, no one person, should be allowed to make a decision like this without a serious conversation with everyone involved!”
“And?”
“Then he said that he’d like to sit down with Grayson to talk about how people might react to everything, and to coach him through how he could respond. I told him no way, not to bother, that we were talking all about the possible ramifications at home.”
“Sally, are you sure that was a good idea?” Uncle Evan asks. But it’s like she doesn’t even hear him.
“Then, he just said that he didn’t mean to step on anyone’s toes, but he believes that any teacher who is really going to make a difference in the life of a student is going to blur the boundary between the kid’s academic and personal life. Or something like that. Utter nonsense. I told him he was creating a monster. This entire situation is spinning out of control, and I can guarantee you that Grayson is only going to get hurt as a result.”
My heart is thumping. There’s silence.
Finally, Aunt Sally starts to talk again. “I suppose we could just tell Grayson he can’t do the play.” My stomach ties itself into a blazing knot.
“No,” Uncle Evan says abruptly. “Absolutely not. Grayson has not involved himself in anything for how many years? And then the first thing he finally decides to get out there and do, we forbid? No way.” Aunt Sally doesn’t respond. “Anyway,” Uncle Evan continues, his voice quieter now, “I mean, maybe this whole play thing means something. Maybe the dressing up wasn’t ‘just a phase.’ You read Lindy’s letter.”
“Of course it was a phase!” Aunt Sally replies quickly. “And who knows what exactly she was talking about. But you know what, Evan? Let’s just say it wasn’t a phase. That’s not the point. It’s not Mr. Finnegan’s place to get involved. That’s the point. He is completely inappropriate. I’m calling Dr. Shiner Monday morning. I’m sorry if you disagree, but I am. He needs to know how I feel about this decision. Maybe there’s something he can do. Mr. Finnegan is setting Grayson up for something too big for anyone to handle. Grayson is a child—he’s in no position to make a decision like this on his own.”
The knot in my stomach tightens.
“God, I can just see Lindy encouraging this in him, you know?” she says.
“Jesus, Sally,” Uncle Evan whispers.
“I’m sorry, Ev,” Aunt Sally goes on, softer now. I strain to hear. “Honestly, I don’t think I’m cut out for this type of thing.” There’s another long silence, and then she continues. “Remember that time when he first moved here and we all went to the Clarks’ for dinner? Remember the kids were all playing dress-up, and we had to practically drag him out of Allie’s dress to get him home? God, I just remember the way Alex and Esther were looking at us while he was lying on the floor screaming—like we were completely incompetent.”
“Sally,” Uncle Evan says again, even softer this time.
“Anyway,” she continues, “he’s going to get teased horribly. That’s really the point.”
I can’t listen anymore, so I creep back to my bedroom and close the door quietly. My hands are shaking. I tuck my covers in tightly around me and shut my eyes against the darkness.
AS I WALK UP the empty stairway to the fourth floor in the early morning winter light, I hear voices drifting through the closed door at the top of the steps. I already know my role. So, why are you doing this? I suddenly scream to myself. But, the thing is, I want to. I want to stand in a crowd, huddled at Finn’s closed office door, reading the cast list, seeing who got what part.
I adjust my backpack and study the doorknob for a minute before I finally open it and walk slowly over to the small crowd of mostly seventh and eighth graders. Tommy is there, and Reid, Paige, and Andrew, of course. Meagan, Hannah, Hailey, and a few other sixth graders stand in front of the list, too, studying it, whispering and pointing. I didn’t even realize they had tried out.
I inch my way into the crowd quietly and focus on the white paper on the closed doorway. I don’t look at anybody, but I can feel everyone all around me. And there it is:
Persephone—Grayson Sender
Ink on paper. Permanent. My heart beats firmly, and I smile to myself as I read through the rest of the list:
Hades—Reid Axelton
Zeus—Andrew Moyer
Demeter—Paige Francis
Hermes—Tommy Littleton
Lead Elf 1—Meagan Lee
Lead Elf 2—Audrey Booker
Lead Elf 3—Natalie Strauss
I’m surprised to see Meagan’s name as one of the smaller leads. She’s so quiet in class. I wonder how she’ll do. I scan farther down the list to the smaller roles, the other Elves and the Souls of the Underworld. I see that Hailey and Hannah are Elves numbers eleven and twelve.
I stare at the paper for as long as I can. A buzz of whispers surrounds me. I don’t want to turn around, but I know I can’t stay here forever. So I stuff my hands in my pockets, lower my head, take a deep breath, and turn to leave. I try to feel Mom and Dad next to me like I did at home over break, but I can’t. I’m completely alone.
“Congratulations, Grayson.” The voice sounds sharp. I cringe, thinking of Aunt Sally’s warning, and look up. It’s Paige. “It’s pretty impressive that a sixth grader got the lead.” She adjusts her backpack and folds her arms over her chest.
“Thanks,” I say, forcing a smile. Reid walks over to us, and I feel like getting out of here fast, but Paige keeps talking.
“I thought that was going to be my role. Usually eighth graders get the leads.”
“Oh.” My face is hot. I don’t know what to say. “Sorry, I, uh…I guess I didn’t think I’d get it,” I finally mumble.
She takes a deep breath and looks quickly up at Reid. “Well,” she says, looking me over. It sounds like she’s giving in. “I guess you better call me ‘Mom’ from now on.”
The room wavers. Just once, and just for a second. I steady myself and focus on Paige’s layers of brightly colored, silky shirts. A clump of tangled necklaces and chains hangs around her neck. Nobody else at Porter dresses like her. “Right,” I say.
Andrew joins us. The three of them look at me curiously. “I better get to class,” I say quickly.
“What do you have first period?” Andrew asks.
“Um, Humanities, with Finn.”
“Best class ever,” he says, smiling at me.
“Yeah, definitely,” I say. “So, I better go.”
“See you tomorrow at rehearsal,” he calls as I walk to the staircase. Before I get to the doorway, I turn around and look at the three of them once more. Reid and Andrew are standing close together, talking quietly, and Paige is still staring at me. Then I see Meagan, Hailey, and Hannah off to the side, not saying a word, and I realize that they were probably listening to our conversation.
“Hey, Grayson?” Meagan suddenly calls. She glances quickly at Hailey and Hannah, and then back at me.
“Yeah?”
“Wait up; we’ll walk with you. Come on, guys.”
I almost tell them that I’m fine, that I’ll just go on my own, but I don’t. Hailey and Hannah follow her, and the four of us walk down the stairs to the first floor.
I pause for a minute outside the door to Finn’s room and watch Meagan, Hannah, and Hailey go in. I know Amelia will be inside. I wonder if she’s told everybody about the skirt yet. The thought makes me hate her.
Finn isn’t sitting on top of his desk, greeting everyone the way he usually is, and I realize how much I’d been looking forward to seeing him. I hunch my shoulders forward to try to make myself as small as possible as I walk to my seat.
Across the room, Amelia is sitting on Lila’s desk. They’re laughing hysterically. Hailey joins them. “Hey, guys,” I hear her say. “What’s so funny?” I strain to hear them.
Amelia leans over toward Lila to whisper something in her ear, her hair falling across both of their shoulders. Hailey stands back a bit and watches. They could be talking about anything, I tell myself, but my heart is pounding.
Ryan and Sebastian sit down in front of me. Ryan turns around as Sebastian starts to unpack his backpack. “Hey, Grayson,” he says in a too-sweet voice. Sebastian glances at him, and I stare ahead. I can feel my face turning red. “What’d you do over break?” He pauses. “Your auntie take you shopping for some new flannels?” He glares at my shirt. “Oh, you’re gonna ignore me? What a shock.”
Sebastian taps Ryan’s shoulder and points to Finn, who is walking through the doorway, a stack of papers in his hands. He plops them onto his desk, smoothes down his hair, and looks us over.
“In your seats, everybody,” he says above the talking and laughter. “Sorry I’m late. Welcome back, welcome back! I hope everybody had a relaxing break.” The class quiets down and I keep my eyes fixed on Finn as Amelia takes her seat next to me. She doesn’t say anything, and neither do I. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that she’s wearing a new bracelet. Tiny hearts dangle from a silver chain. For some reason, I want to touch it, but I never would.
“I know it’s been a long two weeks, and your heads are probably still in the clouds, but I assume you all remember that before break, we completed our unit on the Holocaust,” Finn says, smiling. “I’ll return your papers at the end of class. Today we’re going to shift gears. I want you out of your pairs and back into your original rows from first quarter. I’ve got new plans for us for this unit. So, let’s get up and move. Try to remember where your desk was. If your memory has failed you, come see me!”
Everyone starts to rustle around. “As soon as you’re back in your places, I’ll pass out our new novel.” He holds a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird above his head. “It’s a difficult novel, but it’s one of my all-time personal favorites!” He practically has to yell to be heard over the sounds of people talking and pushing their desks and chairs across the floor. I shove my desk away from Amelia’s without looking back.
It’s a relief to be away from her. I look around at the rest of the class and notice Meagan watching me with her almond-shaped eyes. She looks down when my eyes meet hers, but after a second, she looks back up and smiles. I smile back.
“Okay!” Finn shouts. “Quiet down! Let’s get started! We’re going to jump right in. Notebooks out!” He scribbles To Kill a Mockingbird on the board. I copy it down in my notebook and sketch a princess as I listen to him talk. I study her for a minute, and then add a king on one side of her and a queen on the other.
I’M IN A RUSH to get to the auditorium after school the next day. Just as I shove my last book into my backpack, I feel a tap on my shoulder. My stomach tightens, and I take a deep breath. Slowly, I turn around. Lila is standing in front of me. Across the hall, Amelia watches us as she buttons her red peacoat.
“Hi, Gracie,” Lila says, throwing her long, brown hair over her shoulder. I shift my eyes to Amelia, but she looks down and turns around to close her locker. Coward! I want to scream. “I just wanted to say hi,” Lila continues, giggling. I watch her laugh. I don’t know what to say.
“Well, bye, Gracie.” She runs across the hall, grabs Amelia’s arm, and pulls her down the hallway. Neither of them looks back, and as I watch the back of Amelia’s red coat disappear, I know that she’s gone.
I slam my locker shut and try to breathe evenly as I walk to the auditorium, my eyes stinging. It’s starting, I tell myself. Aunt Sally was right.
I shove the auditorium doors open, hard, and walk over to the stage where a bunch of people are already sitting, their legs dangling over the ledge. “Hey, Grayson!” Paige calls out, as if she was waiting for me. “So, Grayson?” she goes on, and Aunt Sally’s voice explodes into my head again: He’s going to get teased horribly. I brace myself and look up at her.
“Yeah?”
“Listen, I’m sorry that I was kind of a jerk yesterday morning.” I don’t say anything. The room is getting quieter, and I don’t check to see, but I’m sure everyone is watching us. My face is probably bright red. I think she’s being serious.
“That’s okay,” I mumble. I want to look away, but I force myself to focus on her long, feathery earrings.
“No, really, it was rude. I talked…I mean, I thought about it last night, and I think it’s really brave that you tried out for a girl’s part. I’m sure you’re going to make a great Persephone.” She pauses. “What are you waiting for?” she finally asks. “Come on up. We leads need to stick together.” She pats the stage next to her.
Her apology sounded almost rehearsed, but she’s smiling now, so I make my way up the stage steps and scoot into the spot next to her. “Thanks,” I say, glancing at her bright pink sweater. “So, do you know where Finn is?” I ask.
“I’m not sure,” she says. “Late for our first rehearsal, I guess.” She smiles at me again. I should look away. I think of Amelia. I should protect myself. But I smile back.
“There he is,” Meagan says, pointing to the auditorium doors. He and Dr. Shiner are in the hallway talking, their faces just inches apart. I swallow hard and wonder if Aunt Sally actually called the school. Dr. Shiner, his face flushed, is still saying something as Finn turns and walks toward us as if nothing happened. When Dr. Shiner storms off, I glance at Paige. She shrugs and I look away.
The crowd around me has grown; everyone must be here by now. “All right, guys and gals,” Finn says, taking a deep breath and walking up the steps. It looks like he’s forcing himself to smile. “Sorry I’m late. Let’s get started.” At the back of the stage is a long table, and we turn around to face him as he sits on top of it.
“First off, congratulations! I can’t tell you how excited I am about this play. We have a very impressive cast this year, and I’m confident that this performance is going to be one of the best ever.”
“Woo-woo!” Paige calls out. She starts clapping, and everyone joins in.
“Thank you. Thank you very much,” Finn says jokingly. “Okay. Now for logistics: the rehearsal schedule is on the bulletin board behind the stage steps. Some days only leads come, and other days everyone comes. I’ve already e-mailed copies of the schedule to your families.”
He looks us over. “As those of you who’ve been in a play before know, every rehearsal we start off with a warm-up activity before turning to the script.”
“That’s the best part,” Paige whispers to me, and I nod like I know what she’s talking about.
“This week is the read-through,” Finn continues. “It will take two days because we’re going to discuss as we read. We want to figure out why these characters are doing what they’re doing. So we’ll warm up, and then we’ll get to work. Questions so far?” He looks around at us. I want to ask him what he means by warm-up activities, but nobody else is raising their hand, so I don’t, either.
“Great, then.” He jumps off the table. “Let’s walk the stage. Almost everyone here is a theater veteran, but for those of you who are new, I want you to feel free to observe for as long as you want to, and jump in whenever you’re comfortable.”
I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I stand up with everyone else. I notice Finn nodding in Paige’s direction, and she quickly takes my arm. “Come with me,” she whispers, and guides me to an empty space at the back of the stage by the table.
“All right,” Finn says over the chatter and giggles. “Everyone, quiet down and think for a minute. Who are you today? A person? An animal? A male or a female? How old are you? When you’ve chosen your character, start walking.”
I look quickly at Paige. “Just choose someone to be,” she whispers. I stare at her.
“Anyone?” I ask, starting to smile.
“Yeah. A person, an animal, anything.”
She stands still for a minute, and then starts flapping her arms like they’re wings. I almost start laughing. She looks completely crazy. I feel someone moving behind me and turn around to see Tommy gorilla-walking past the burgundy curtains. Meagan struts by us, her nose in the air. I feel like I’m in another world. Everyone looks completely serious and completely stupid at the same time—but stupid in a really good way.
