Hello stranger, p.22
Hello, Stranger, page 22
I run back inside and search the bathroom bin in case there’s a used test in there – nothing. Then I look in Lucy’s underwear drawer (isn’t that where people hide things?). It’s a mess, so I rifle through but there’s nothing there either. Then I search in her bedside table drawer, pushing the overflowing junk aside frantically, and that’s when I see it, upside down. Feeling nervous, I pick it up and turn it over, and am faced by two lines, one of them so dark it looks like someone’s drawn it on with felt tip. I’ve seen enough pregnancy test adverts to know what it means.
The time seems to pass tortoise-slow until I hear the door open and shut downstairs. I put the pregnancy test back in her drawer and go down to greet her in the lounge.
‘Feel better now?’
‘Much. Thank you. And I might have solved the tricky plot point too. Double win.’
‘Great.’ I say it with absolutely no enthusiasm and I can tell by Lucy’s face that she knows something’s up. She suddenly looks nervous and it confirms for me that she has been purposefully lying to me all week, especially as she doesn’t ask ‘What’s up?’ Instead she says, ‘I think I’m going to go and get my ideas down before I forget.’
‘You don’t want to say anything to me before you go?’
Lucy furrows her eyebrows, but I can tell it’s in pretence. ‘Like what?’
‘I don’t know. There’s nothing happening in your life, in our life, that you feel you need to tell me?’
This stops her in her tracks and she goes over to sit down on the sofa and gestures for me to sit next to her. I do, but at a distance.
‘How did you find out?’
‘Find out what exactly?’ I know I’m being a bit of an arsehole but I’m just so angry that she’s been deceiving me about something so important.
‘Have you been searching my stuff?’ Of course she’s trying to flip this so that she’s the victim, but I won’t let her.
‘You’ve been acting really weird for days. I thought you were dying, Luce. I was worried about you.’
‘So you invaded my privacy? Looked through my things?’
‘Lucy, you’re pregnant. And you didn’t tell me.’
‘I was waiting for the right time. I just wanted to get my head around it.’
‘And when exactly was that going to be? What about me getting my head around it? That’s if it’s even mine? Have you been keeping it from me because it’s Jude’s?’
‘Are you serious? Of course it’s bloody yours. I’m not a cheat.’
‘Just a liar.’ I know it’s harsh but I’m such a ball of emotions I can’t help it.
‘No. I’m not a liar either.’ She looks like she’s about to cry and I feel immediately guilty. ‘I just needed some time. It’s my body, you know?’
‘But it’s my baby. Our baby, Lucy. Did you not think I had a right to know?’
She puts her head in her hands. ‘Of course you have a right to know and I was going to tell you. I just knew what your response would be and I wanted to tell you at the right time, to figure out how to hurt you the least.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Well, obviously I’m not keeping it. So I wanted to sort out all the technical stuff first. To find out how it all works.’
‘How what works? An abortion? I think it’s fairly straightforward, Lucy. You just kill our baby.’ When she doesn’t speak, I can’t help but continue. ‘You were going to get rid of our baby and not even tell me, weren’t you?’
Lucy shakes her head, but I get the sense that’s exactly what she’s been considering. ‘Of course not. I just wanted to get a plan in place. So I could tell you more when I had it sorted.’
‘So I don’t get a say in this plan?’
She gives me a condescending look and it pisses me off. ‘We agreed to not having children, Jamie. It’s not like I haven’t been clear with you about that.’
I clamp my teeth together and swallow hard. ‘I agreed to not trying for a baby, Lucy. I didn’t agree to killing our baby if we accidentally made one. Surely you see the difference?’
But as Lucy looks down at the floor and then back up at me, it’s very clear that she doesn’t. So I storm out of the house and get into my car.
At first I have no real idea where I’m heading, but then I find myself driving towards Matt’s new place, pulling into the driveway and then walking down the path. It’s Mia who answers the door, her hair wrapped in a towel.
‘Hey, Jamie. You’ve literally just missed Matt. He’s gone for a run. You OK?’
I shift uncomfortably from foot to foot. ‘Yeah, sorry. I should’ve called. I’ll go.’
‘Don’t be silly. Come in. I’ve just put the kettle on.’
I gesture to her hair. ‘I didn’t mean to disturb you.’
‘Nonsense. I’d finished my bath. I was only going to sit and have a cuppa. It’ll be nice to have the company.’
She sounds genuine enough and I realize that I can’t face going home, and that actually Mia might be the perfect person to talk to. A female perspective. ‘OK. If you’re sure.’
‘Of course.’
I follow her in and we go through to their lovely old country kitchen. I sit down at the round wooden table squished into the corner and Mia makes us tea and then brings it over with a jar full of biscuits, sitting down beside me.
‘So I get the sense you weren’t coming to see Matt to talk about work or football. I might not offer as good advice as him but I can give it a go if you want?’
I sigh, running my hand through my hair. ‘Am I that transparent?’
Mia nods. ‘Sorry.’
‘It’s Lucy. She’s pregnant.’ I come straight out with it, unable to hold the burden of it inside any longer.
‘The fact you’re not jumping up and down tells me it wasn’t planned? She hasn’t had a huge change of heart about having children?’
‘She didn’t even tell me.’
‘Well, when did she find out?’
‘Last Monday. And she’s just kept it to herself all this time. I’m not sure she was ever going to tell me. I found the test.’
Mia furrows her eyebrows. ‘I’m sure she was going to tell you. Maybe she just needed a bit of time to get her head round it.’
‘That’s what she said.’
‘Well, there you go then.’
I take a sip of my tea. It’s still boiling and burns my mouth. ‘She says she’s not keeping it. That that is what we agreed and I don’t get a say.’
Mia reaches over and puts her hand on top of mine. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Can she even do that? Don’t I have any rights?’
Mia shrugs. ‘I’m not sure. I guess it’s her body.’
‘But it’s my baby. It’s part of me.’ I feel like I’m about to cry so stop talking. I’ve known Mia for a long time and have grown very fond of her over the years, but I still don’t feel comfortable breaking down in front of her.
‘I know. I’m so sorry, Jamie. I don’t know what to say.’
‘There’s nothing to say, is there? I can’t exactly force her to have it. Like you said, she’s the one that has to carry it.’
‘But she should listen to your opinion too. It has to be a joint decision.’
I shake my head. ‘But we will never ever agree on this. And she’s right, I did agree to not having children for her. But this. After what happened with Thomas, I mean …’
Mia nods. ‘I know. Does she know about what happened?’
I shake my head. ‘I’ve never really found the right time to talk about it.’
‘Maybe you should. It might help her understand your feelings about the whole thing.’
‘Yeah, maybe. But what if she still wants to go ahead? I just don’t know how she could do it. Could you do it?’
‘I don’t know. But I want children, Jamie, so I’m not a fair comparison.’
I sigh. ‘I guess so. It just feels like it’s a bit of us, you know? A part of her and a part of me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to sit there and hold her hand whilst she destroys that.’
‘I expect she’d understand if you couldn’t face going with her.’
‘I couldn’t do that to her, make her go alone.’
Mia gives me a sad smile. ‘You’re one of the best blokes I know, Jamie, do you know that?’
I force a smile in return. ‘I don’t feel like it right now.’
Mia drinks some of her tea so I retry mine, which is now just the right temperature. Then she reaches into the biscuit jar and takes one out then holds the jar out to me. I hold up my hand to decline. I can’t stomach anything. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like eating again.
‘Do you want me to call Matt? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind cutting his run short. He hates it anyway, but says he wants to get ripped for the wedding.’ She rolls her eyes.
‘No, it’s OK. Actually, I should be getting back. I didn’t exactly leave things on good terms with Lucy. Time to face the music and all that.’
‘OK. Well, we’re both here whenever you want to chat, you know that, don’t you? And the spare room will always be reserved just for you.’
‘Thank you.’
‘We actually miss you sometimes. Can get a bit boring just the two of us.’
I smile. ‘Tell Matt I said hi.’
‘Will do.’ She taps me on the arm and then seems to change her mind and pulls me into a hug. ‘Tell her everything you feel, Jamie. Don’t have any regrets from your side.’
I nod, give her a kiss on the cheek and head back to my car.
On the journey home, I think about what I’m going to say to Lucy. How to explain to her how much I want this baby, but as soon as I get through the door and Lucy looks up at me from her position on the sofa, I can tell by her eyes, the angle of her chin, her closed body language, that she’s got her armour on and that any attempt at conversation is going to land badly.
‘I’m going to go out and do some gardening.’
Lucy nods, her expression unchanging, so I head towards the door, pausing for a moment and wondering whether I should stop and go and sit beside her, but then she stands up and stomps off upstairs so I go outside, grab a fork and start hacking away at the ground.
Lucy
‘I have an appointment at the clinic next week if you would like it?’
‘Next week? I didn’t expect it to be so quick.’
The doctor gives me a sympathetic look. I expect it’s well practised but it seems so genuine that I wonder whether he’s been on my side of these decisions before. He certainly doesn’t have the judgemental air you get from some health professionals with topics like this. ‘There’s one the following week too if you’d rather wait and think about it a bit more? I can organize a counsellor for you to see in the meantime if that would be something you might be interested in?’
I shake my head. ‘It’s not me, it’s my boyfriend. My fiancé actually.’ It now feels far too grown-up using that word and I wonder how I suddenly became an adult. I still don’t feel ready. ‘I’m sure about my decision. I don’t need to talk about it. It’s just he doesn’t feel the same way.’
The doctor nods slowly. ‘Ah, that’s a tricky one. And unusual. Normally I have women in here being pressured into the decision by their partner, so I have to say I’m glad that’s not the case here.’
‘Except aren’t I the one pressuring him into it?’
The doctor moves his head from side to side. ‘You could look at it like that, I suppose. But for what it’s worth, off the record of course, you seem like a sensible person. I get the feeling you’ve thought this decision through. That you’re not just acting on impulse because a baby doesn’t quite suit your lifestyle right now. That’s very different from a lot of the people I see.’
It should be a comfort but I’m struggling to find any solace in what I’m planning to do. Although I’m totally certain about my decision, it’s still so far from being easy. I know I will bear a lifelong emotional scar from terminating this baby.
‘Thank you.’
‘I’ll book you the appointment for next week, provisionally. The earlier you do it, the easier it is physically. But go home and talk to your partner and if you need to cancel or postpone it, just give the surgery a call and I’ll sort that out for you.’
‘Thank you for being so kind to me. For not treating me like I’m evil like my partner does.’
He gives me a sympathetic smile and I pick up my bag and stand up.
As I put my hand on the door handle, he says, ‘There are plenty of people who just have kids without even thinking about it, people who don’t really want them if they actually thought about it. I spend a lot of my working life trying to help those children as they become adults.’
I nod, hoping he can see the gratitude on my face, and then leave and head back to work. Mandy keeps asking if I’m OK all day but I can’t bear to tell her about what’s going on with Jamie, especially as she thinks everything is so perfect. So I lose myself in mundane jobs like rearranging the books on the table and stacking shelves. Although I really don’t want to be here, I also don’t want to go home, so when the clock strikes half-five and we’re locking up, I feel a sinking in my stomach at the thought of facing Jamie.
When I get home, I’m glad he’s not there yet and decide to cook him a curry. I’m not sure why; maybe I want him to see there are some good things about being with me. Hey, I won’t give you a baby but I can make a mean curry. Or maybe it’s just that I want it to feel like a normal evening, just this once, for things to be how they were before our little ‘accident’ ruined everything. I’ve had a wall up ever since he found the pregnancy test, which is probably not the best approach, but I haven’t found the courage to allow myself to be vulnerable with him yet, scared of seeing the love slowly drain out of him whilst I sit there begging. But I know we can’t carry on like this.
By the time Jamie gets back from work, the curry is nearly ready, just marinating in the pan, and when he comes into the kitchen he says, ‘Smells good.’ And I want to wrap my arms round him and never let him go. I want to hold on to this tiny moment of normality, of positivity, forever.
‘You said it was one of your favourites. I thought it might be nice to sit down together to eat, as it’s been a while. I’m not feeling so nauseous tonight.’
I see it in his eyes – the change as soon as I mention the nausea, because I’ve unwittingly marched the elephant back into the room, to stand between us and ruin our dinner.
‘Sounds nice. Thanks. I’m just going to go and get changed and I’ll be down.’
‘Great. I’ll put some rice on.’
I continue cooking but any hope or positivity I felt earlier has vanished. Of course I can’t just gloss over everything with a nice meal. We need to have this discussion, to face our truths, however painful they may be.
When Jamie reappears, he’s changed into his denim shorts and white Carhartt T-shirt, the one he wore on our first date, and he looks so gorgeous it makes me want to cry.
‘You look nice.’
He rubs his hands down his T-shirt. ‘This old thing.’
We both smile at his joke and, again, it feels for a moment that we might be able to find a way back. I really hope so, because I think that losing Jamie would be the greatest tragedy of my life.
He sits down at the dining table and I drain the rice and pour it into two bowls, spooning the curry over the top. Then I grab a packet of ready-to-eat poppadoms out the cupboard, open them up and put them on the table.
‘This looks delicious. Thank you,’ Jamie says politely, but there’s a formality to it that cuts me.
It wasn’t exactly true that the nausea has gone, but there’s no way I’m going to show him that, so I tuck into my curry as zealously as I can muster. We don’t speak, both using the excuse of our mouths being full as a get-out clause, but I’m well aware that it’s just that we both have nothing to say. That until we’ve reached some kind of conclusion about the pregnancy, everything else will seem pointless, forced, like making small talk with a stranger.
I swallow down my food, and then force myself to be brave, even though I feel like a small child lost in a supermarket. ‘I went back to the doctor’s today.’
‘Oh?’ And I’m not certain, but I think I see a flicker of hope in Jamie’s eyes and it makes me feel sick.
‘There’s an appointment at the clinic next week. You don’t have to come with me. I’ll understand if you don’t want to, but I just wanted you to know.’
Jamie nods and then puts his fork down in his bowl. ‘So that’s it? Decision made?’
‘I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sorry that it’s come to this, that the accident happened, but it doesn’t change anything for me. In fact, it just makes me even more sure that I feel the way I thought I did about having children.’
‘So do you need my permission? Do I need to sign something?’
I shake my head.
‘Right, your body, your choice.’
There’s so much bitterness in his words, it feels like if they were liquid they’d burn straight through my skin.
‘But I want you to be there with me. I do want us to come to this decision together.’
‘As long as I come to the same decision as you.’
I get how much he’s hurting, I understand that he feels helpless, but at the same time, this is what we agreed. These were the conditions under which we got engaged.
‘We’ve been over this so many times, Jamie. I can’t go over it again. I understand that the fact I actually got pregnant makes it feel different for you, but it doesn’t for me. It’s a collection of cells.’
