Hello stranger, p.31
Hello, Stranger, page 31
Otto and Lauren laugh and so Leo does it again and this time Jamie holds him up into the sky so it looks like he’s flying. As he does, a long string of dribble falls from Leo’s mouth and lands on Jamie’s forehead.
‘Ah, nice. Thanks, bud.’ Otto and Lauren laugh again and Jamie puts his little boy back on to his hip. ‘We’re heading back along the canal to the car. How about you guys?’
‘Yeah, that’s the way we came, didn’t we, Aunty Lucy?’
Jamie smiles at me as if to say, ‘You don’t have to join me if you don’t want to,’ but I nod and say, ‘We did. Let’s walk together.’
‘Great.’ Jamie looks genuinely pleased and I’m glad that there doesn’t seem to be any resentment on his part after everything that happened. In fact, he looks really content and for a moment I have to remind myself that I’m content too. That it’s OK that we’re both no longer broken.
He puts Leo in the pram and Otto and Lauren fight over who gets to push him, Jamie calmly sorting it so that they can both hold on to part of the handle, and then they walk off down the canal path pushing Leo while Jamie and I follow on behind.
Jamie
It’s a little surreal walking alongside Lucy, my son in the pram in front of us. She looks beautiful, her skin glowing from what I guess is one of her recent adventures.
‘It’s like our first date,’ I say and then wonder if it’s a stupid thing to say.
Luckily, Lucy laughs. ‘I guess it is.’
‘Feels like a long time ago, doesn’t it?’
‘In some ways yes, in some ways no.’
‘Yeah, I know what you mean.’
Being so near to Lucy again, it’s easy to wipe away the years that have come between, but at the same time it feels like looking back on a different person. Being a father has changed me so much, it’s hard to imagine who I was before, what I thought about every waking moment, because now so much of every day is focused on Leo.
‘Those were good cookies, weren’t they?’ Lucy says and I’m grateful to her for it, for her making this so much easier than it could be.
‘Almost as good as that street food in Copenhagen.’
‘Oh, God, yeah, that was good.’
An elderly couple walk past, smiling at us broadly, probably thinking what a lovely family we are.
‘That was a great trip, wasn’t it?’ Lucy continues.
‘Yeah, it was.’
‘So is it …’ Lucy pauses and it feels like she’s struggling to find the words to express what she wants to say, or maybe she’s not quite sure whether she should say them or not. ‘Being a father, is it everything you hoped for?’
I nod and she smiles, saying so much of what is unspoken with her eyes. Part of me wonders if I should spout the whole, ‘It’s a nightmare though too, I’m exhausted all the time, I miss my social life,’ because I don’t want to appear smug or heartless. She seems really happy but I’m sure me having a child can’t be easy for her. But at the same time, I want her to understand I didn’t let her go for nothing. And being a father is everything I hoped for. It’s more than I hoped for.
‘On the day he was born, I thought of you, you know?’ As soon as I’ve said it, I worry that it’s too much, too loaded. But I feel like I need her to understand how grateful I am to her. That she didn’t let me make the ultimate sacrifice.
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, and ever since that day I’ve wanted to thank you.’
‘It’s OK.’ She looks at me and I know that she understands, that I don’t need to say any more. ‘I guess we both got the lives we wanted in the end.’
‘Yeah, I guess so.’
‘Everything happens for a reason, right?’
‘Well, if I could go back in time and never meet you and save all the heartache, I might,’ I tease.
Lucy punches me in the arm. And then we’re nearing the end of the path and I have a slightly panicky feeling in my stomach at the thought of this being ‘it’.
‘I wouldn’t really,’ I say.
‘Really what?’
‘Go back and never meet you. Despite the heartache.’
Lucy’s eyes turn glassy. ‘Me neither.’
And then we emerge from the tree-covered path into daylight.
‘My car’s just over there.’ She points across the road. ‘It was really lovely seeing you though, Jamie.’
I wonder if I should suggest we catch up for a coffee sometime, but then I realize that we’re both where we’re meant to be, that it’s best left in the past.
‘You too.’
She smiles at me and then walks towards the pram, leaning in and giving Leo a kiss on the head. ‘And it was lovely to meet you, little man.’ He reaches up and grabs a piece of her hair that is dangling across his face and she gently unhooks his tiny fingers and then carefully guides his hand back into his lap, replacing her hair with his soft little tiger. ‘Come on, you two.’
Otto and Lauren rub Leo’s head in turn and then they each take hold of one of Lucy’s hands and she looks up at me.
‘He’s beautiful.’
‘Thank you.’
Then she checks both ways and runs Otto and Lauren across the road. Once they’re all in the car, she looks back and waves at me and I wave back. And then she’s gone. And I look at my son and feel the sudden urge to take him out of his pram, to squeeze him tight. So I do. After standing there for a few minutes, Leo starts to wriggle so I put my beautiful boy back in the pram, kiss his forehead and then take him back to the car ready to go home – taking one last glance back down the road before I do.
Acknowledgements
I’ve been working on this book in a very strange time in my life. Last February, I was diagnosed with aggressive triple-negative breast cancer six months after the birth of my third child. What followed was a terrifying, exhausting and grueling year of chemo, surgery and radiotherapy, and learning about lots of stuff I wish I’d never had to learn about. Writing and editing this book has been both a challenge and a huge comfort. Sometimes, I couldn’t even bear to look at it. I wanted to shout at the characters, ‘Get over yourselves. Your problems are stupid and you’re not even real.’ Other times, getting lost in their lives was one of the only escapes from my racing negative thoughts and fears. And for that reason, Jamie and Lucy and this book will always have a special place in my heart.
I couldn’t have done any of it (the book or dealing with cancer) without some very special people who I would like to take this time to thank. To Alice Lutyens, my agent, and Clio Cornish, my editor, for being so patient and understanding with me during this time and for helping to make this book something I feel really proud of. Thank you to Olivia Thomas for believing in my book and shouting about it, to Sarah Bance for copy-editing and all those at MJ for working so hard to support me as an author.
To the lovely readers of my previous two books. So often, messages from you about my words brightened a chemo session when I was stuck with a tube in my arm and a freezing cold cap on my head. It still feels unbelievable to me that strangers are reading my books, so to have positive messages from you is the absolute best part of the job.
To all the wonderful friends who supported me – sent me cards, thoughtful gifts and just checked in on me. I’ve never felt more loved than I did during that time. A special mention to Sarah, for keeping me and the family fed for all those months with your delicious home-cooked meals so that the little time I did have where I felt energized enough, I could spend it working on this book.
To my parents for helping out every single day without having to be asked. For enduring the pain of homeschooling with me when we couldn’t risk sending the kids to school as I was so vulnerable. I know it wasn’t easy, but we did it and I don’t think they fell too far behind! Without you both, I would never have had time to write a book, let alone three! And more importantly, I wouldn’t have had the confidence to follow my dream of being an author so thank you. To my brother and sister for giving me strength, love and support through such a difficult time – I really believe we are lucky to have the family we do.
To my boys – for making so many sacrifices in order to keep me safe and for loving me so fiercely. One day, when I’m a bestseller (!), I’m going to take you on the trip of an absolute lifetime to pay you back for all that you missed out on and to thank you for always giving me a reason to fight.
To Carl – I know you had to wait until book three, but I couldn’t think of a better book to dedicate to you. I couldn’t have finished it without you. I couldn’t have done any of last year without you. You are truly one in a million and I am so blessed to call you my husband and my best friend. We might have had some rotten luck recently, but this is our time – I feel it! And thank you for loving this book as much as you do (and even shedding a tear when reading it – I know, I know, you had something in your eye …)
And last but not least – to my baby girl – I truly believe that having you saved my life. I hope that you will read my books one day and that they will inspire you. And I hope that, like Lucy, you will always have the strength to follow your heart wherever it is that it leads you.
THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING
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First published by Michael Joseph in 2022
Copyright © Rachel Marks, 2022
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ISBN: 978-1-405-94904-0
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Rachel Marks, Hello, Stranger
