Hello stranger, p.7
Hello, Stranger, page 7
When we wake up, Lucy gets in the shower and I nip down to Santiago and Gabriella to ask them if they’d mind if we took our dinner somewhere just the two of us. At first, I reckon they think I’m going to propose because Gabriella gets quite misty-eyed, so I feel a bit stupid when I say I just want to tell Lucy that I love her, like we are two teenagers rather than grown adults. They both look overjoyed though and say they’ll help set me up a little candlelit table among the olive groves. They hurry me back to our room so as ‘not to ruin the surprise’ and say to leave it to them, so I run back and, luckily, Lucy is still in the shower.
As she gets out, I don’t want her to notice I’m slightly out of breath and pink-cheeked so I climb straight into the shower after her. She’s used all the semi-warm water so I stand there shivering, the freezing water making my head hurt as I wash my hair, and then climb out as soon as I’ve got the shampoo out.
Lucy has put on a cute little summer dress, bright yellow, and she looks beautiful, her skin glowing from the endless sun of today. When she sees me, a towel wrapped around my waist, she smiles – and I know that I’m doing the right thing telling her that I love her, because I do, more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I must stand there looking stupid because she says, ‘What?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Get ready then. I’m starving and seriously looking forward to some more of that amazing food. If Santiago wasn’t married, I might’ve run off with him with those cooking skills.’
I laugh and then go to get ready myself, putting on some smart khaki shorts and a white linen shirt and spraying myself with aftershave.
‘Right. Let’s get going.’ I hold out my hand and Lucy takes it.
You can smell the heat in the air as we get outside and I guide Lucy towards the olive groves.
‘Where are we going? You do realize I’m starving, don’t you? And that I’m prone to getting hangry?’
I smile but continue to lead her to the destination I agreed with Santiago and Gabriella. I’m starting to feel nervous but then I see the little table, a large candle in the centre, and tealights in jars surrounding it in a circle, and I know that it’s perfect.
Lucy must suddenly spot it too because she says, ‘What is this? What’s going on?’
‘I wanted to make tonight a little bit more romantic. I hope you don’t mind missing out on eating with the others?’
Lucy pauses, surveying the set-up and then securing eye contact with me, and I can’t be sure but I think there are tears in her eyes. Then she looks away. ‘Are you cooking?’
‘No, Santiago is still doing the cooking.’
‘Phew.’ Lucy wipes her brow dramatically and we continue walking towards the circle of candles. They’ve left a path to walk through so we do, and then I pull out Lucy’s chair and she does a little curtsy. Before sitting down, she lifts up on her tiptoes and kisses my cheek. ‘Thank you. It’s perfect.’
I try not to show how chuffed I am as I sit opposite her and within seconds (as if one of them was hiding in the olive bushes and spying on us) Santiago arrives with some wine and Gabriella follows with a range of appetizers – olives, bread and oils, squidgy cherry tomatoes – and then they both wink at me and leave us alone.
‘So what’s all this in aid of?’ Lucy asks, sampling each dish in turn.
‘I just …’ The words seem to be stuck, so I swallow and then start again. ‘I know I’m maybe not the most adventurous man in the world, the most exciting …’
‘Seriously, Jamie. Not this again,’ Lucy interrupts.
‘Hang on, let me finish. I’m not saying I’m not a huge catch.’
Lucy smiles.
‘But being with you has made me realize how empty my life has been, how I’ve basically been drifting.’ I take a deep breath. ‘What I’m trying to say is that I love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone.’ I pause, but she doesn’t respond so I feel I have to continue. ‘I’m sorry, is that too much? I know we haven’t been together all that long.’
I suddenly worry she might be about to run off through the olive groves, leaving me sitting here alone. But then she shakes her head slowly. ‘It’s not too much.’
I wait for her to say she loves me too, but she doesn’t, and I try not to feel too despondent. Maybe she’s just not ready to say it back yet.
‘It’s really beautiful,’ she says, before popping an olive into her mouth.
‘Santiago and Gabriella set it up.’
‘Well, it’s very romantic. And this food … God, I’m going to be the size of a house by the time we leave here.’ Lucy holds her tummy, which is practically non-existent.
‘Tell me about it. Although I reckon we’ve burnt quite a few calories today.’
‘Yeah, sorry. I know it was quite intense. I’ll go a bit easier on you tomorrow.’
I shake my head. ‘I had a great day. Thank you.’
‘Followed by the perfect evening,’ Lucy says smoothly.
‘If Carlsberg did holidays …’
Lucy laughs, mopping up the last of the chilli oil with some bread. ‘Maybe we should start our own business? Holiday planners extraordinaire.’
‘I’m not sure I’d manage to get any work done if I worked with you.’
Under the table, Lucy slips off her flip-flop and starts running her foot up my leg. ‘True. That could be a problem.’
Suddenly, Santiago appears. ‘Appetizers OK?’
‘Perfect. Thanks,’ I mumble, a little flustered.
‘Fabulous. Thank you.’ Lucy looks up at Santiago, giving him her full attention.
He takes our plates away and then Gabriella appears with our mains. They’re such a well-oiled machine, I can see how they’ve made the business a success. It’s not tapas like it was last night, but steak and a huge pile of chips, the steak looking perfectly cooked.
‘Wow, this looks amazing. Thank you so much,’ I say, putting my hand gently on Gabriella’s arm as she sets our plates down in front of us. ‘And thank you for going to the trouble of bringing it along here. I do appreciate it.’
‘No problem at all.’ Gabriella places a hand on my shoulder. ‘We’re always happy to support a bit of romance.’
I notice Lucy’s cheeks pinken, Gabriella leaving us to it. The food is delicious. It tastes as good as it looks, and Lucy and I are both quiet whilst we tuck in.
Then I place my knife and fork down on my plate and lean back in my chair. ‘So, what have you got planned for us tomorrow? Deep sea diving? Jumping out of a plane?’
‘Not quite. I suppose we need to actually climb that mountain. Then a bit of canoeing maybe? But it’s your holiday as much as mine. I don’t have to make all the decisions.’
‘I don’t mind you making the decisions.’
‘But I wouldn’t think any less of you if you did. Feel free to tell me to stop being a bossy cow. I won’t like you any less.’
I get the sense that she wants me to be more assertive, that actually she might be saying she’d like me more if I was. But I’m not being submissive for fear of annoying her, I just like the things she’s suggesting. I like how she’s widening what I hadn’t realized had become quite a narrow life that I was leading.
‘Don’t worry. If I don’t like something, I’ll tell you. If you piss me off, I’ll make sure you know about it.’
Lucy raises an eyebrow. ‘I think I’d quite like that.’
‘Is that so?’ I nod in the direction of our room. ‘Fancy giving dessert a miss tonight?’
‘Missing Santiago’s dessert? Is your head on straight?’
I laugh. ‘I’ll take that as a no.’
‘Why don’t we ask for it to take away though?’ Lucy suggests, reaching out to put her hand on my arm.
‘Won’t it look a bit obvious what we’re going to do?’
‘Oh, I plan on being very loud. There’ll be no mistaking what we’re doing.’
Lucy gives me this look and then Santiago appears to take our plates and I have to refocus.
‘Best steak I’ve ever had,’ I say, looking up.
‘Ah, thank you very much. That’s very kind of you to say.’
‘It really was amazing, but I don’t suppose we could have our desserts to go?’ Lucy asks. ‘I’m so full I could do with a little lie-down first.’
She puts her hand on her stomach and Santiago bites back a smile. ‘Of course. How about I drop them outside your room later?’
‘Perfect. Thank you.’
Once Santiago is out of view, we practically run back to our room, removing each other’s clothes as soon as we get through the door and throwing them on the floor before entwining ourselves on the bed.
Afterwards, we lie naked on top of the duvet for a while and then Lucy slips on her underwear. ‘Do you think our dessert might have been delivered by now?’
She goes to the door, opens it, and comes back with two plates with slices of chocolate cheesecake on, along with dessert forks. Bringing them over to the bed, she climbs back in and we sit up against the headboard, pulling the white sheet up over our legs.
‘Naked cheesecake eating. Feels very decadent,’ I joke.
‘You know you make me happy,’ Lucy says, ignoring my comment as if she didn’t even hear me.
‘Good.’
‘And I love you too.’
She doesn’t look at me as she says it, her eyes focused firmly on her cheesecake, but I can’t stop a huge beaming smile from appearing on my face. When I lean over to kiss her on the cheek, she brings her shoulder up to her face and then starts tucking into her dessert and I can tell that she needs me not to make a fuss of what she said, to almost pretend it never happened.
‘You know, with cheesecake like this, even I’m tempted to run off with him.’
Lucy laughs and puts her hand on my leg under the covers, and I get the sense she’s saying, ‘Thank you for understanding my need to play this down.’ So I smile at her to say, ‘You’re welcome.’
THE DAY OF THE BREAK-UP
Lucy
I don’t go straight to Amy’s. I can’t face it yet. I know she’ll be the wonderful supportive sister that she is – make me a cup of tea, hug me, tell me everything’s going to be OK – but if someone is nice to me right now, I’m going to break down in tears. So instead, after driving around aimlessly for a while, I go to Coffee #1 where I choose the richest, most calorific-looking slice of cheesecake and a mocha (with the hope of drowning myself in chocolate) and search for a table. After a minute or so, a lady stands up and offers me her table and even that small act of kindness has me on the edge of a humiliating public crying fit.
Tucking into my food, a slight nausea in my stomach, I wonder what Jamie’s doing, if he found the ring on the bedside table, if he threw it across the room or perhaps carefully put it away, saving it for someone more deserving. Will I always do this? Sit and wonder what Jamie’s doing? I know it’s only been fifty-three minutes since I walked out of our home and I should probably cut myself some slack, allow myself time to grieve, but I feel this awful panic that this feeling of immense emptiness will never go away.
I look at my phone, noticing a little green circle in the corner of my WhatsApp icon and click on it, trying not to get too excited. It’s probably just a new message on one of the many group chats I’m part of, people swapping stories of amazing places they’ve been to or planning exotic meet-ups, but when I click on it, it is from Jamie and I feel my chest tighten – even though I know it’s stupid, that him messaging me isn’t going to change anything, but I just miss him. Already. I miss him so much.
What you doing? x
I wonder if I should say something witty, or whether that would seem insensitive. Maybe I should be very cold, formal, so he knows there’s no changing my mind. In the end, I just go for honest.
Drowning my sorrows in cheesecake x
Much the same here, except ice cream. You left a whole tub of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer.
To think of our life only a few days ago, when I brought home Ben & Jerry’s from Tesco for us to share in front of some crap on the TV, it makes me so very sad.
I was planning on collecting that with the rest of my belongings, you know? In fact, it was the top of my list.
Sorry. I’ll buy some more and leave it for you.
It’s OK. I bet it’s not as good as my cheesecake anyway.
I tuck in, feeling slightly sick from the chocolate overload and watching the three dots as Jamie types.
Remember that cheesecake Santiago made for us? God, it was good.
I smile, but my heart aches at the memory. The night Jamie told me he loved me. The way I was so bloody coy about saying it back. And now I wish I’d shouted it at him, smothered him with affection. I wonder if this is his intention, to make me think of that night, or whether he’s just innocently reminiscing.
Best. Cheesecake. Ever.
There’s a pause and then a message comes through.
What if I never find cheesecake that good again?
I take a deep breath, trying to keep my resolve while wanting to run out of the café and all the way home.
You will x
He doesn’t respond and I feel like I have so much more to say but I’m not sure how to say it. I type a message and then delete it and then type it again.
I am sorry about what happened. All of it.
I can see that he’s typing again and feel a strange nervousness about what his response might be.
I know. Me too x
BEFORE
Lucy
I don’t know what to wear. It’s stupid. I’m sure Jamie’s mum is not going to judge who I am as a person by the clothes on my back, but it feels disproportionately important to choose the right outfit. I can hear Jamie downstairs – I greeted him in my dressing gown and then told him I wanted to get ready on my own and that he had to wait in the lounge. He probably thinks I’m totally crazy, but I just can’t bear the pressure of him being here whilst I try on different outfits, wondering what he’s really thinking and if he’s just being polite.
I pull on an A-line black skirt and floral blouse and look in the mirror, immediately letting out a long, pained breath. I look like I’m dressed for a work experience interview, like I’m playing at being an adult. I slip my clothes off, leaving them on the floor, and then try on the navy dress I’ve put out on the bed. Urgh. Far too formal. Why don’t I have any decent clothes? I take off the dress and throw it across the room, accidentally knocking a glass of water off my bedside table and spilling it all over everything. Getting more irritable by the second, I put my dressing gown back on, run downstairs, past Jamie and into the kitchen to get some kitchen towel.
‘You OK?’ he calls and I can hear it in his voice – the fact he thinks I’m insane.
‘I’m fine,’ I say curtly, avoiding eye contact and running back past him and upstairs to the bedroom. I quickly dab the carpet, cursing myself as I wipe the water off all the books, magazines and paperwork I have piled up underneath my bedside table.
As I’m cleaning, I hear the door open and look up to see Jamie with a bemused expression on his face. ‘You sure you’re OK?’
I drop the kitchen roll and it unravels across the floor, and it feels like the moment to admit defeat. ‘No, not really.’
He comes over and puts his arm around me. ‘It’s taking you a long time to get ready. You’re not nervous, are you?’
I screw up my face. ‘No.’ Then my shoulders fall. ‘Maybe. I just want her to think I’m pretty, and nice, and better than all your exes.’
Jamie smiles, taking my hand to pull me up. ‘I’m sure she’s going to love you.’ Then he wraps his arms around my waist. ‘But even if she didn’t, it wouldn’t change anything. I’d still feel exactly the same way about you as I do now.’
I know he means it in a reassuring way, and I’m touched that his mum’s opinion wouldn’t colour his own. But it matters to me. I’m not typically liked by partners’ mums. I don’t know why. I just don’t seem to fit the desired daughter-in-law mould. To be fair, even my mum’s not particularly impressed with me, so I can’t exactly expect anyone else’s to be. But I want her to be impressed, for her to tell Jamie he’s made an excellent choice and that he should hold on tight to me.
‘Thanks.’
He lets me go and wanders over to my wardrobe. ‘Come on then. Show me what you’ve got. I’ll choose something.’
I raise my eyebrows then open my wardrobe door, slightly embarrassed by the total lack of order to my clothes. Jamie starts leafing through my stuff, pulling out a pair of skinny black jeans and my favourite T-shirt – the one I got from Urban Outfitters years ago. It’s big and baggy, and not at all smart, but it always makes me feel great when I’m wearing it. He places the clothes on the bed. ‘How about this? This is you, right?’
I’m so touched that he knows me so well and yet I find myself sighing and slump on the bed while Jamie sits down next to me. ‘But I was trying not to be me. Well, to be a better version of me.’
Jamie puts his hand on my thigh. ‘You’re pretty perfect just as you are.’
I rest my head on his shoulder. ‘Thank you, but I know you’re just saying that because that’s the sort of sweet thing a boyfriend should say at this moment.’
‘So it’s just a line?’
‘Well, no, I suppose I am pretty perfect.’
‘There you go then.’ He stands up and passes me the T-shirt. ‘Come on, we’re going to be late. Time to get ready.’
‘Close your eyes then.’
‘Really? Are we still at that stage of our relationship?’
‘Well, we don’t want you getting overexcited, do we?’
‘Fair point.’ Jamie sits on the bed, leaning up against the headboard with his feet up. ‘Eyes are now firmly closed.’
